My year

You know, many people misuse "manifestation" and keep envisioning and dreaming of the most unrealistic and wildest things happening to them and then wonder why nothing happens!!

Ok, I must admit, I used to be the same.

After years of zero manifestations coming to life, I said to myself I'm either asking for the wrong things or there is something wrong with me!

Park this thought for a second and allow me to summarize my life (I promise it is so much more exciting and dramatic in real life). 

I grew up in a happy home and was lucky to have a really great childhood, excellent education opportunities, I travelled the world and worked hard to build a successful career for myself. I was forever the social butterfly, enjoyed all sorts of friends and family gatherings and as a result, always dreamed of having a big family of my own (I loved children and somehow pictured myself a mother of a football team!!). 2015 brought that opportunity to me and I was overjoyed to finally start my own family. 2015 also brought the crashing down of that same dream and the traumatic change in my life. Happiness, joy, achievement, success had a bitter taste no matter how sweet they appeared to be. Shame, guilt, disappointment, anger (oh boy was there a lot of anger!) dominated every inch of me for years and caused me to find solace in isolation from everything and everyone I used to love. It felt that despite being aware of this, no matter what I tried to do to fix it, it just never worked. I could never be myself again. 

Every new year after 2015, I would say "This is going to be MY YEAR" and write a list of things I was going to achieve. Without fail, every year, NOTHING happened. Or so I thought.....

Obviously as I became aware of this, the annual list became shorter and shorter. I was less interested and less invested in making these manifestations come to life. 1st of Jan 2024, there was absolutely nothing on my list, but I did still whisper to my loved ones "This will be my year, somehow". 

Reality hit on the 10th of June 2024, yes, 9 years later. Winning a battle I have been fighting against for almost a decade made me question everything else I have missed during that same period of time. Most importantly, healing myself from it all. It was as if someone had switched the lights on and I could finally see. 

I remember the joy on my daughter's face, the way my mums voice chocked as she prayed for us, the excitement when my father met me at the police station parking, my siblings' happiness on our whatsapp groupchat, it all felt surreal. I was numb, my lips were dry, the lump in my throat felt huge and all I wanted to do was be alone. I found the nearest mosque and I kneeled for the longest time thanking the almighty for everything that has happened both good and bad. I prayed hard saying I am ready for what is to come next, I am grateful for what has happened, and I have learned the hardest lessons life has thrown at me thus far. I think that must have been the longest time I cried so hard. 

This has taught me that at times we give value in aspects of our lives take up so much of our energy and we forget to put that same effort in looking after ourselves in the process. For example, did it really help that I drowned myself in work instead of properly healing from the mental trauma I went through? was it necessary to cut myself away from my loved ones rather than get the help I needed to be happy again? It was ME I had to work on. No lists, no manifestations, just me. 

I slept very well that night. So well. I remember waking up feeling light, content and very very very grateful. 

There was one aspect of me that remained unsteady. Little did I know that the 10th of July 2024 would bring a surprise that would put that unsteadiness at complete ease. 

Until next time......

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